So I did my first yoga workout today. Decided right off the bat to stick to the basics. Promised myself to practice kindness towards myself. Still I didn't expect it to be so hard. Not just the physical part; I can't say that I was surprised by the stiffness in my calves, hips and thighs. I can't say I was surprised by the soreness from my operation incisions everytime I tried to activate my abs.

What surprised me was that I felt afraid. I don't know why; I just did. I guess I was (am) afraid that the healing process is going to take a while, especially when it comes to my bandhas (when you lift your abs and pelvic floor).

So the nice talk I was supposed to be having with myself (seeing as I was to be practicing self-love through my asanas (positions)... I thought I would be pep-talking by telling myself things like how strong I am, how great this feels, yada-yada-yada. Instead my nice-talk consisted of me reminding myself that it's OK to feel afraid. That I'm doing great by just coming to my mat. I had to remind myself to complete one breath (and congratulate myself for that accomplishment) and move on to the next one without thinking further ahead. At one point I even had to tell myself that I could look forward to a nice, cold strawberry fitness drink afterwards, just like when you give a kid a lollipop after having his shot.

So I made it through my session. And I'm hoping that the next session will be easier.

Even my daughter had a setback today. She was going to be going to a pajamas party this evening, and so went looking for a nightgown in town this afternoon. There were two that she especially liked, in two different stores. We didn't buy one just then (she was going to think about it); instead she followed her dad home while I stayed on to go to the studio. When I was done, I called to see if she had made a decision. She said she wanted the one from H&M. So I bought the nightgown from H&M, brought it home, and ended up drying her tears as she realized she had gotten the stores mixed up (and naturally, they were closed at this point, too).

So things didn't turn out the way she had expected either. I got her to try on the one that I had bought, told how pretty it looked on her, and tried to console her by saying that things usually turn out for the better, even when it's not what we expected. (She ended up having a great time at the party.)

Like Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of my favorite book "Eat, Pray, and Love", I am discovering that daily dialogues really can help you find a positive outlook to life's setbacks. That is when you write the words you wish your best friend would say to you in your time of need.

Om shanti.

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