I love the sombering effect falling snow has. It reminds me of being wrapped in a quilt or getting a wonderful bear hug; it calms me.

Today marks the five year anniversary of my mother-in-law's death. Soon my husband and I will meet up at the cemetery in Kalmar so that we can light a candle and lay a bouqet of flowers by her grave.

I was lucky to have had my mother-in-law in my life. She was a perfect blend of mother, girlfriend, and sister. We were always welcome to visit. At the same time she made sure to never smother us. I loved sitting with her at her kitchen table drinking coffee and eating something sweet and fattening - she loved treats from the bakery as much as I did. We talked constantly. Buying baby clothes to my daughter was an art form for us.

She had an amazing connection to my daughter, and my daughter, who only had just less than five years to get to know her farmor, absolutely adored her.

She suffered from many ailments, and when the doctors finally took her seriously, naturally it was too late. As I gave birth to my son in the summer of 2003, she lay a couple of floors above me recovering from surgery (They had removed a kidney completely covered by a large tumor). After that it went quickly, and she realized before I did that it would not be long before the inevitable occurred.

In February 2004 I took my mother-in-law to the hospital to have an X-ray done. She felt so ill that we decided to get her admitted. A few days later I was visiting with her alone. Together we ate some apple pie with vanilla sauce from the hospital café. I told her tearfully I was going to miss her, and she replied that she would miss me, too.

The next day she fell into a coma. At some point she regained consciousness, enough so that she called for her sons. I stayed outside of the room since I thought it was best they were alone. A day or two later, while I was at home feeding my son, I decided that as soon as my husband came home I would go into town to tell her I loved her and say good-bye. But when P came home he put his arm around me and said it was over.

It's all part of life's cycle, I know. The only thing we can be certain of in this life is that it is finite. To this day I miss her insanely. But as long as I can still feel the sorrow, I know that she is not forgotten. I never want to forget. My sadness has a cathartic effect; once my tears have subsided I always feel better, just like I've been hugged.